“You need to date someone.”

Oh okay. Let me just go ask the room full of guys waiting to date me.

(Source: tturnbackthesun, via lizdexia)

Everybody Should Be Allowed One Stabbing Per Day

Everybody should be allowed one stabbing per day. This would be great for our culture as a whole for a number of reasons. But before we get into those, I though I would lay down some ground rules and a little clarification. Just because you are allowed to stab somebody once a day doesn’t mean you are requiredto. There might be many days when you don’t stab anybody at all. In fact, most people might go weeks at a time without stabbing anybody. But there are times when stabbing somebody is the appropriate response to a given situation and this is what the new rule is for.

The stabbings do not “roll over” like phone minutes. If you don’t stab anybody one day, you don’t get two stabbings the next. It’s definitely a “use it or lose it” type deal. But if you stab somebody at exactly 11:59:59 pm, you can stab that person again one second later.

Also, children still aren’t allowed to stab anybody. Nor are they allowed to be stabbed. As far as this stabbing thing goes, children are off-limits, unless they’re really shitty kids.

Finally, you can’t stab anybody who’s sleeping or unconscious. Because that’s not sportsmanlike. Obviously there might be a fine line here because I imagine a lot of married people will be in bed next to their spouses with a knife. They’ll go “wake up!” and then as soon as their husband or wife opens their eyes – BAM! Is it fair? No. So don’t be an asshole to your spouse.  

Those are pretty much the only rules. You can stab whoever you want anytime you want, in any part of the body you want, however severely you want, with whatever kind of knife you want, as long as that person is awake and it’s only once a day. But keep in mind, whoever you stab also has the same stabbing rights as you. This will hopefully prevent people from stabbing each other willy-nilly, or too early in the day.

What’s good about stabbings is that they are not usually fatal. Sure, getting knifed can kill you. So can slipping on ice. The point is not to necessarily eviscerate people, but just to let them know that if they piss you off, they could find a knife in their eye. I think everybody would be a lot nicer to each other that way, particularly the people who have already lost one eye.

Will there be some hotheads who abuse the privilege? Sure. But guess what will happen to those people? They’ll get fucking stabbed. All the assholes will weed themselves out, leaving behind only the people who mostly do not want to stab each other.

Yes, there will be times when we will stab people for questionable reasons – maybe they screwed up our coffee order, maybe they took our parking space. Some of those people will probably die. Hey that sucks, but I think it’s a small price to pay for the right to stab somebody once a day.

Think about how prompt the guys who fix the cable TV will become. Waiters and waitresses will be much friendlier. Doctors will be more sensitive. Your boss.

In the end, this new rule comes down to a basic truth: everybody wants to stab somebody once in a while. So why not let them? Sure the beginning might be a little rough as people stab each other just for the hell of it. But after a few months, I think everybody will settle down and stab each other in moderation. It’s a good rule and if you disagree with me, guess what I will do? If you guessed “stab me” you’re wrong. I will shoot you.

     - Michael Ian Black

ohyeahfacts:

effinzombie:

Strange and True Facts about Death:

• More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
• More people are killed each year by coconuts than sharks. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.
• You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
• Fleas have the distinction of killing more people than all the wars man has ever fought. The “Black Death” plague killed 1/4 of Europe’s population in the 14th century, caused by germs transmitted from rodents to humans by fleas.
• The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
• A hundred years ago, the average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.
• Today, only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.
• Your statistical chance of being murdered is 1 in 20,000. 
• There are 5 times as many deaths due to the negligence of doctors as there are deaths due to firearms. 
• On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
• Robert Hershey, of Hershey Chocolate fame, died when he fell into a vat of chocolate and drowned.
• Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote “Nutrition for Health” and numerous books on the science of proper eating, died of malnutrition. 
• Adolph Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
• When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands.
• When Thomas Edison died in 1941; Henry Ford captured his last dying breath in a bottle.
• In 1845, President Andrew Jackson’s pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing.
• Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his father’s, President Garfield’s, and President McKinley’s. After the last shooting, he refused ever to attend a state affair again.
• When Mark Twain was born on Nov 30, 1835, Halley’s comet was visible over Florida, Missouri. Mark Twain predicted in 1909 that he would die when it returned. He was right. When he died on April 21, 1910, Halley’s comet was once again visible in the sky.